not a kid anymore

only things that life can teach you. . .
February 14, 2009, 2:17 am
Filed under: advice, love, relationships, self-love, Uncategorized

atthespeedoflight by lamadrilenya

The last few days have been about lessons. Life is about lessons. But, the last few days have been about a certain realm of existence in particular. Growth and Relationships.

Growing in relationships and growing through a relationship.

I read when I was in high school that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and when you know which one they are there for you can act accordingly. It was in an Iyanla Vanzant book and it sounded like prophecy to my naive heart and mind. Now that I’m a little bit older the words still ring true to me. I just know them now. Like you know a bible verse. It rests with me. Comes up to remind me when I need it and hides in the recesses of my mind waiting for me to forget and need them again.

Most people you think are there for a lifetime. When your young and “dumb”. You can’t imagine them leaving. Now, when I enter a relationship. I imagine them leaving. If I can’t imagine you not being there.. you might have potential. I know it can be a hard way to look at it, but im trying not to be so naive in my “young age’. I’ve gotta be real with myself. And I am.

Some people you don’t want around longer than the time it take for them to say hello and for you to notice that twinkle of crazy in their eye and the split second it takes for you to run expediently in the opposite direction. These people may be reason people.

Some people you want to linger around. You like the smell of the them, the taste of them you like how they make you feel. You can stand to be in their presence and simmer in their pot for a little while. But you know when the flavor is gone.. it’s time for you to go. These people may be season people.

Then there are those people you can’t imagine living without out, they serve a long term purpose in your life. No matter where you turn they are always there and most times you like them being there (lol) you have an undeniable bond and it’s not being broken unless one of you dies… These are your lifetime people.

Reason, Season, Lifetime seems so simple at first. But, those lessons are deep and can save you. I was in a relationship with a man I thought might be for a lifetime. But, it wasn’t to be. Maybe it was the constant pestering about when we were I was going to carry his seed (even though he already had 4.. 4 he told me about 5 months into our relationship.) or the constant pestering to get married or maybe it was the hand to my face.. i don’t know.. whatever it was.. he wasn’t IT. We weren’t it.. he had a season. A season that some days I still wonder why it was important to experience.

But, you couldn’t have told the younger me that one day I’d be in a relationship that would tear me down and make me question every action. You couldn’t tell the younger me one day I’d think I’d love a man enough to sacrifice all of me and weaken my defenses. Break my own b-girl rules and become a shell of the strong woman I was growing to be. You couldn’t have told me a thing. . .

Some days when I talk to younger woman I realize there are some things I can’t really tell them. I can tell them my story, share my experience but no matter how many not me’s they retaliate with, there are some thing only life can teach you.. Some things only experience and pain can grow you in to..

It’s like the line from “The Five Heartbeats” when they award presenter says “Duck will be a great writer one day only after his heart’s been broken.”

She’s going to be a beautiful woman one day.. only after her hearts been broken and her lessons have been sown in and she blossoms into the beautiful flower she’s supposed to be…

only then.

peace and tons of self love,


Could You/ Can You Grow To Love Someone?
January 29, 2009, 3:56 pm
Filed under: advice, Commentary, confidence, Life Commentary, love, relationships, Self Esteem, self-love

Could You/ Can You Grow To Love Someone?

heart in my hands hold my hand hold my heart by ~ilker3004

I spent several years of my life living this lie. Believing the pieces of me could realign themselves to support me in such a farce.
No. I am not one of those women. I cannot grow to love. Either I love you or i don’t. I tried. Many of us do. Try to mold ourselves into the molds others have picked for us. It’s like picking an ugly dress. No, It’s like your mom picking out an ugly dress, telling you it’s pretty and you try to pretend you like, b/c it’s your mother, b/c your mother provides for you, b/c your mother has your best interest at hand. But, this is the truth. You hate it and it doesn’t mean you love your mother any less b/c you don’t like the dress. You just don’t like it. Your mom is still your genesis, your provider. You just have your own opinion andyour reality doesn’t accept ugly dresses.

So why do we settle? Why do we succumb to the whims of the ugly dress? Put ourselves into it. Date that boy even though he doesn’t really make you happy. Keep that dress in the closest, and give it the side-eye every time you open your closest , pushing it to the side every time as we try to find something to wear. Keep him around and day dream about another life, another man, as he festers and morphs into your worst nightmare in technicolor on your couch.

Girl, stand up to yourself. That man is not your only source of sustenance. Now, your mom is another story. You can’t replace her. But this man didn’t give you life. Doesn’t give you life. Never will.

You and your creator are your life and you don’t have to be stuck in a situation that doesn’t fit you.

You have the choice to make. Stay or leave, Love ’em or Leave ’em alone…

But don’t stay where your spirit dies, your dreams fade and your you is diminished.

Live life, but live and love for you. No one else.

Besides, If you can stand up to your mom, you can surely stand up to some dude whose not for you..

Truer words have never been spoken- A twitter message from songwriter Jack Knight —

you have to blame yourself for whatever relationships you entertain, and the drama that the blame..but now im in control 5:25 AM Jan 21st from web

Grow up, your not a kid anymore

Can one ever get their heart back?
December 22, 2008, 10:59 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,
from aussiegal/ flickr

from aussiegal/ flickr

Besides the obvious uses, the iPod is an amazing invention and coupled with that the shuffle mode is an intuitive little creature that always seems to play what i need to hear, when i need to hear it.

I don’t listen to Keyshia Cole very often if at all. that’s a longer blog for another day but my iPod felt it necessary to bestow some wisdom upon my meandering wounded heart the other day. The song of choice?

“Got To Get My Heart Back” The 4 or 5 minute mini-drama emotive didi introduced into my life a question I hadn’t thought about in a minute or at least since “The Breakup”

Is it really possible to get your heart back? Or is it better to move on with the lessons this new love has given you and be a better, stronger, loving YOU?

The strong part of me wants to say, “Move on girl, take the lessons and be strong for the next episode.” But, the sappy part of me wonders, is it really possible to get back who you were? Could I really be that happy go lucky person again or is she long goooone?

The lyrics express a sentiment I’m sure many a girl or boy has felt before…

Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (The way it used to love)
The way it used to be. (The way it used to be)
And the way it used to feel. (The way it used to feel before I)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love with you.

The truth is, you’ll never be the person you were before you loved that person. You either gave too much, gave enough or gave too little and after this love, you will never love the same again. You may be a little jaded, a little more freer, a little secluded, a little less willing or maybe you’re bulletproof and you bounce back without reprieve, regrets or regressions. I wish I was you. But, most of are not. Many of us mope and bemoan the loss. Some choose to act like nothings wrong, but you can’t deny that being with someone and then leaving them changes you in some way.

You can NEVER really get back to the person you used to be and to be honest, do you really want to? Going back to who you used to be means you didn’t grow, you didn’t learn and you may be suspect to being caught up in the same situation you just left. Insanity, contrary to popular belief or the immortal words of Albert Einstein is not the state of doing something over and over again expecting a different result, but

such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility

Yet and still, leaving a relationship and not taking the time to learn the lessons of why it did or did not work is a bit insane if not asinine and or ignorant if not criminal.. remove yourself!

Life is all about learning your lessons and becoming a better you.

So, I’m sorry Keyshia, Dear Heart of Mine or any other fairytale lala land rejects myself included but.. No you CAN’T get your heart back. Not only is it physically impossible, but it’s psychically as well and a good growing person can’t go back in time. That heart, that person is irretrievable. My best advice is to get yourself together, your NEW self and move on. Be careful not to repeat any bad mistakes and take the smiling moments with you.

love ya

Got To Get My Heart Back – Keyshia Cole

waiting for the other shoe to hit
December 15, 2008, 7:57 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I saw the funniest and most interesting thing on the news yesterday. Seeing it repeatedly makes me chuckle just a little on the inside.. and then it ripples to the world.

After I saw two shoes thrown at our soon to be out the door president I had to know what the significance of shoe throwing could be in the Muslim World.

Crikey wanted to know too. Not limited to just Arab Muslim culture, but Middle Eastern religious culture generally (Jewish, Christian and Muslim), reference to someone or assault of someone with a shoe carries symbolic value in terms of Old Testament tradition. For instance, Psalms 60:10 (“Moab is my washpot, over Edom will I cast out my shoe…”) reveals that assault with a shoe is a traditional defamatory gesture for one’s enemies (Moab and Edom were both enemies of Judah).
In more strictly cultural terms, the shoe is representative of the foot, the lowest part of the human body. It is a sign of respect in Arab culture (and, many other cultures) that one does not show the sole of one’s foot or shoe to another. To do so can be taken as a sign that you consider that person of being beneath you. This is analogous to the practice in many cultures of leaving your shoes outside before entering a home or religious/sacred place.

The insult of the shoe can also be seen through some rather creative forms of verbal insult. For instance, whether at a football game, driving through the streets of Beirut or Cairo, or in the rather entertaining television debates on regional satellite TV, using phrases such as inta kundara (you are a shoe) or ibn al-kundara (son of a shoe) sit at the high end of insults, and are not to be taken lightly (i.e. don’t say it unless you really mean it, and are ready for a reaction).

The reporter said he was doing for the innocent people who had died b/c of the war. And while this incident is funny in a crazy political sort of way it makes one wonder. Are we as Americans a bit too subdued? Maybe we should have thrown our shoes at Bush a long time ago. Apparently, his security detail isn’t too worried..

john forte has been given his FREE or at least a commuted sentence
November 24, 2008, 6:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My co-worker and I were talking about this injustice the other day the arrest and conviction of my “baby daddy” John Forte.. well low and behold today in the news
John Forte

Bush pardons 14 individuals
The Associated Press has learned that President George W. Bush has granted pardons to 14 individuals and commuted the prison sentences of two others.

Bush also commuted the prison sentences of John Edward Forte of North Brunswick, N.J., and James Russell Harris of Detroit, Mich. Both were convicted of cocaine offenses.

Forte, a well-known hip hop artist, worked with the Fugees, Wyclef Jean and Herbie Hancock.

Pardon orders never give a reason, but NBC News’ Pete Williams reported that in Forte’s case, it is likely the mandatory minimum sentences required in drug cases. Here’s how fans of Forte’s put it on a Web site dedicated to him:

“John Forte’s life was forever changed in July of 2000. He agreed to transport a package, and in turn was arrested on a drug trafficking charge. He did not accept the plea bargain offered him, as he maintained that he was innocent of the charges against him.

“In 2001, John Forté stood trial in a Texas court and was convicted of this non-violent crime. It was his first offense. Due to the outdated mandatory minimum sentencing laws currently in place, he received the only prison term available for the judge to hand down — 14 years in a federal penitentiary. John is not eligible to be released until he is at least 38 years old.”

Under the Constitution, the president’s power to issue pardons is absolute and cannot be overruled.

Now let the music roll!!!!!!

Miriam Makeba- “I will sing until the last day of my life”
November 10, 2008, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

South African singer Miriam Makeba collapsed from a heart attack and died; singing on stage.

There is something poetic and beautiful in dying the way you want to, doing something you love.

I know there is sadness in death, but this whole story simply amazes me!

Miriam Makeba, the South African singer known to fans worldwide as Mama Africa, performs during her last concert in Castel Volturno, southern Italy, late Sunday night, Nov. 9, 2008. According to the Pineta Grande clinic in Castel Volturno Makeba died of a heart attack, after collapsing during her concert. She was 76. (AP Photo/Salvatore Laporta)

Miriam Makeba, the South African singer known to fans worldwide as Mama Africa, performs during her last concert in Castel Volturno, southern Italy, late Sunday night, Nov. 9, 2008. According to the Pineta Grande clinic in Castel Volturno Makeba died of a heart attack, after collapsing during her concert. She was 76. (AP Photo/Salvatore Laporta)

From AP

South African musical legend Miriam Makeba dies from Associated Press

A “Great” Day for African Americans??!! WTF!
November 9, 2008, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Politics | Tags: , , , ,

It’s a proud day for Americans.. screw it being a proud day for African-Americans.

Excuse me if I’m just a tad bit salty. The crowd I was in loudly booed when we first heard McCain say it, and each day that dawns it makes me more upset that the media is that blind and rude.

While I stand as one in a sea of proud millions, I can’t help but to think that many journalist are missing the point and they still think Americans especially Black/African-Americans are stupid.

Americans are not blind. African-Americans have been trying to say for years that America was still racist and everyday it’s more and more evident. Obama used the phrase ” a mutt like me” when referring to the choice of the new first families dog most likely being a mixed breed because of his daughters allergies. Obama smiled ( you gotta love a handsome man with a sense of humor !) but articles popped up and journalist bristled.

My issue is they keep calling this man the first Black or the first African-American President.  While it’s nice that we identify his color and genealogy. Millions of people didn’t vote for a Black man, they voted for a man who promised and ignited there hopes. He could have been yellowm blue or green! While it’s nice that African-Americans can identify with the fact that “That One” has a Kenyan father making him 1/2 African lets not forget, because he obviously hasn’t, that Obama is indeed a mutt. His mother is a white American. Making him an actual African American and that’s more than alot of people who are called African American can say for themselves; when they cannot even trace their roots back to a specific locale in the continent of Africa itself.

Everyday, I love this man more and more. When he can blatantly stand in front of the media and smile and call himself a mutt, it is a clear day on our presidential and personal horizons. It seems that this mixed man is not only stirring up the political and emotional dust of our nation and our world as a whole but he’s stirring up the ties that still ,for some strange reason , bind this “great” country in a holding pattern from making us F’ng Amazing. Great is mediocre.. but F’ng Amazing.. well we haven’t been there yet it could be A Great Day for the world screw just the happy americans black or white!